Monday, February 27, 2012

And for some reason, I still can't listen to the songs we used to listen to together. It's not that I miss you, I just miss what was. I can't wrap my mind around how much time has passed, and how much I don't think about you. But when I do think about you, it still hurts just as much. I'm almost positive it gets better, but I'm not fully convinced.

There's always going to be a place in my heart for you. Us not being us anymore is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.
Something happens in my head when I'm going through a tough time. It's almost like my mind numbs itself from everything going on, and I just put on my game face and fight the world. But at the end of the day, it hurts like hell and no one really can fix it. It's something only time can heal. At least, that's what I'm told.

I'm sorry these ramblings don't make much sense. I just write what comes to my head. I try not to get to detailed with names and whatnot, so these are just my feelings, unedited, and raw.

Friday, February 24, 2012

You talk so much but you never actually say anything.
And it kills me because I know you have so much to say. 

I'm trying so hard to be able to handle everything that is going on right now. But nothing seems tangible and everything seems temporary.
I'm always the first one to give people advice, and help them. But god damn I'm so bad at taking my own advice. I've always said that life goes on, and no one should let anything break them down too much. But this, right now, feels too heavy to handle for me.
I know I can do this. I know I've dealt with worse in the past, and I know that people are currently dealing with worse. But when it's happening to you, nothing seems to help. Nothing anyone says really makes anything any better because it doesn't change what's going on. Sometimes you need to just accept everything that is happening, let it in, and breathe. If you need to cry, you let out all the tears you want to. You treat yourself to some alone time, and you don't let anything get in your way.

Things to remember:

  • Never be afraid to cry, let your feelings show.  
  • Trust actions, not words.
  • Sometimes, not making a decisions IS making a decision. 
  • Take time out to really relax. 
  • Hang out with people that make you laugh. 
  • Writing things out really helps (at least for me). As does talking with your best friend or someone you trust.
  • Never push anyone away when you love them. If you do it long enough, they WILL go away and you WILL regret pushing them away.
  • Love yourself. If you don't, work on it. 
  • Keep an eye out for yourself. It's okay to put yourself first sometimes. 
  • Do things that make you happy
  • Meet new people. Don't be afraid to bond. 
  • Give up on dwelling on the past or worrying too much about the future. Your life is happening right now. This is it. 

Some people have asked me why I don't post my blogspot on my tumblr when I update it. I feel extremely vulnerable when I post on here, and I don't know how I feel about people reading my words. No other reason really.  

Friday, February 17, 2012

It's almost been a whole year since I've posted on here. That's such a surreal feeling.

Here's an excerpt from my journal :

Things are easier, and harder all at the same time. You're not entirely sure how you feel. Some days are good and some days are bad.

You still get sad sometimes, but you notice that if you slap on a smile, you somehow find a way to get over it / through it.

You're still growing, everyday, even though last year you thought you were the biggest grownup (don't ever think that again).

You'll grow and grow and learn and learn until the day you die and there's no denying that.

We're always in the process of growing, and learning, and becoming something else that it's almost pointless to focus on the little things that upset us.

Why not focus on the little things that make us smile, and the big things that keep us going.

Everything that has happened is over, and even though it seems like it was decades ago, it was only a few years, and it doesn't burn as much as it used to. There's always going to be something going on that isn't in your favor, and really isn't going as you want it to. But you find ways to make things work.

And that sore feeling will keep getting smaller and smaller until it's not even noticeable unless you see a photo, or smell a familiar scent. And at times like that it's okay to remember the hurt for a little while, it's okay to remember how much it burns because at one point, that was your life, and that has shaped you into who you have become. It's okay to shed a tear every now and then because that means you are human, and you feel. You are no longer numb, and that's is so beautiful.

So remember to hurt, but remember to not let it completely control who you are.

It's by no means easy, and it is a very hard balance to find. But it's worth it. And that I truly believe.

No one said it would be easy, and it's not. But that is what's wonderful about the world, and that is what's beautiful about feeling.

Working towards making your own life what you want it to be and learning how to really honestly happy, and not getting caught up in all the mess that seems to try and get you down.

Every feeling you ever feel is beautiful and strong. No matter, happy or sad, embrace it.

I'm going to try and start blogging (real blogging, not tumblr blogging) soon. I promise myself.